The Naked Nerd

TGIF - Window To The Past

2006-11-17T08:04:00.000+01:00

First off I like to say if you came for a laugh as usual sorry. See I’ve had these photos for the longest time, but I never had a reason to share them. The photos I’ve posted are colour shots from America during the Second World War. This is back in the day when our grandparents and great grandparents were in their prime. I listened to the stories. I’ve looked at the black and white photos, but I never could make that connection in my mind of what it would be like today. Me personally I don’t think we dream or think in colour. With these colour photos from the past, it sort of helps me (how can I say it?) get the feel of what it must have been like. Our nation was in the middle of probably the biggest struggle mankind has ever known. It was a time of total war. Meaning every man and woman worked to further our cause. Knowing that our continued existence could only be achieved through victory. It must have been a great and moving time to live through. Today we have the War on Terror. I find myself some what desensitized with all the information we get from CNN, MSNBC, FOXNEWS, and the internet. I feel like we live in a plastic age. An age were morals, principals, convictions, values, and traditions have been thrown into the wind. I find it truly sad that now in today’s world that it’s non PC to say Merry Christmas. That telling kids about a jolly fat guy dressed in red, that gives away gifts for free is somehow wrong. WTF! Me personally, I think we live in some pretty sad times. I could probably go on and on, but I won’t. So here’s my window into the past. I hope you like it. Have a great weekend everyone.

Good Guys and Bad Guys

2006-11-16T08:28:00.000+01:00

George Carlin has got to be one of the best stand up comedians of my generation. Sadly just like me he’s getting older, but he hasn’t lost his edge. In my travels I’ve found that a lot of people that like George. Think the same way he does. Way back in the day when HBO had only one channel and it started at 7pm and finished up at around 3 or 4 am. I was just a little tyke. I remember turning on that big clunky receiver, and catching George Carlin for the first time. He was this middle aged guy who said a lot of jokes that were way over my head. Now the fucking profanity is what kept me interested. Later when I started growing hair in funny places, his humour started to make some sense. Now that I’m a middle aged guy, and he’s getting to be a real old guy, I can finally enjoy his humour in all its glory. Here are some of my favourites.

George Carlin - necrophilia

George Carlin on Religion

George Carlin on People that should die

George Carlin on People that should die pt2

Now for a real bad guy. OJ the man that killed and got away with it. I remember watching the most of the trial. You can write a whole book on this stuff, but I won’t. So I’ll sum it up in terms I think are pretty user friendly. When you have cash you get the good lawyers. When you’re poor you get to “ride the lightning”. Things that stick in my mind. A leather glove soaked with blood, and dried out. It wouldn’t fit DUH. Admitted as evidence. The same glove new that did fit not admitted. His lawyers were picking shit out of a gnat’s ass. Mark Ferman one the cops on the crime scene was ripped to pieces. Why, because he said the N word back in 1972!?!?!? WTF Well now OJ is putting out the story of if he hypothetically would have done it. DUDE! If someone was putting the shoes to my wife, living in my house, and driving my one hundred thousand dollar sports car around town. Well I would just have to do something about that, and it wouldn’t be in the form of a Hallmark card. As George Carlin say’s “Humans are the most interesting critters on the planet”.

A Quickie Today

2006-11-14T07:22:00.000+01:00

I got blogs to visit and a ton of stuff to do. What little time we have my precious, we works our fingers to the bone we do my precious. So here's a pretty cool quiz from LG. I just love getting my freak on.

Find out if you are a freak in bed at LiquidGeneration!

Only in the Movies

2006-11-13T14:32:00.000+01:00

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboardâ€¦

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone's Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

My Chemical Romance

2006-11-12T14:22:00.000+01:00

My Chemical Romance (also known as My Chem or MCR) is an American band from New Jersey. Formed in 2001, the band consists of Gerard Way (lead vocals), Mikey Way (bass), Bob Bryar (drums), Frank Iero (rhythm guitar), and Ray Toro (lead guitar). The band members hail from Belleville and Kearny, New Jersey, except drummer Bob Bryar, who is from Chicago, Illinois. Bassist Mikey Way coined the band's name from a book entitled Ecstasy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance, by Irvine Welsh.

TGIF - Eye Candy

2006-11-10T07:50:00.000+01:00

For me personally it's been a long week. Having to pick up a load of work for Mrs. Nerd. The long awaited election which I followed pretty intensely for the last 8 weeks. Plus having to do the quarterly cleaning of my computer/hobby room, or as Mrs. Nerd refers to it "the pig sty". I hope the weekend will be laid back. I'll be hooking up with a buddy of mine that I haven't partied with in a long time. Kick back have some brews and enjoy the weekend. If I'm lucky, hook up with my sis on Sunday for a cam chat. We haven't had time for it, at the same time if you know what I mean. I hope everone has a great weekend. I know I'll try to.

Fuck You

2006-11-09T07:53:00.000+01:00

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck D an Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
" Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"That’s not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's goanna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its goanna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah

The beginning of the end for Dubya?

2006-11-08T11:42:00.000+01:00

Congratulations Madam Speaker. With the absence of horns and cloven hoof, I must admit you don’t look like the boogeyman the GOP told us about. The people have given you a chance. Please don't let us down. With the system of checks and balances restored, Dubya will no longer be able to do what he wants when he wants. There’s much to do, and many things to set right. The hall is rented, the orchestra engaged. Now it's time to see if you can dance.

End The Rubber Stamp! VOTE TODAY!!!!

2006-11-07T07:20:00.000+01:00

We all thought this photo was a big joke...

...Now we know that it wasn't a joke, unless you're braindead. Do we really need more of this before we wake up.

Oh lordy I never thought that I would hope for Democratic election gains, but we all truly need to have the system of checks and balances restored. I'm not blessed with the gift of moving words. So here I give you a link to someone who can really say what I wish I could. In the free video window click on Launch. Something is terribly wrong with our nation. I hope that today we start to right the the damage that has been done.

Dedicated to the purple helmeted warrior of love

2006-11-06T07:11:00.000+01:00

Euphemisms for male masterbation

Fondle your flagpole
Free Willy
Frost the pastries
Frosting your maple bar
Frying up the corndog
Gallop the old lizard
Gardening with the golden trowel
Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
Get a date with Slick Mittens
Get the German soldier marching
Get to know yourself
Get your pole varnished
Give it a tug
Give your low five
Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Go blind
Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Go the blow
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Goose the gherkin
Grease the pipe
Greasing the three-legged cow
Hand job
Hard labor
Have one off the wrist
Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college
Hitchhike to heaven
Hitchhike underneath the big top
Hitting too close to home
Hoisting your own petard
Hold the bishop
Hold the sausage hostage
Holding your own
Hone the cone
Honk your horn
Hosing down the driveway
Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
Hug the hog
Hump your hose
Investing in pork bellies
Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
Jack hammer
Jazz yourself
Jerk Jamby
Jerk the gherkin
Left to your own devices
Letting the cat out of the bag
Liquidating the inventory

Request By The Penis
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early

Although it is noted that:

Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing Always happy to try alternative locations.

There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money I save!"

Godsmack

2006-11-05T12:50:00.000+01:00

Alice in Chains is believed to be the primary influence upon Godsmack; it is speculated that the band got their name from an Alice in Chains song of the same name and started off as a tribute band to Alice in Chains. In an interview with MTV upon the death of Alice in Chains lead singer Layne Staley, Godsmack frontman Sully Erna stated that Staley "was single-handedly the guy that got me to start singing." Other bands cited by Godsmack members as their primary influences typically include Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Rush, Pearl Jam, Metallica, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath. In 2002, Godsmack received a Grammy nomination in Best Rock Instrumental Performance for the song "Vampires" from the album Awake. In 2004, they were opening for Metallica's Madly in Anger with the World Tour, while headlining with Dropbox in the summer. Then they did acoustic shows for their newly released album The Other Side in the fall of 2004, while still opening for Metallica. In September 2004, Godsmack issued a live DVD titled "Changes," (it went gold, according to RIAA) which the band recorded earlier that year. That same month, the group also released "Batalla de los Tambores," a live cut available only via online services such as Apple's iTunes Music Store, Real and Napster. Their latest single "Speak" was released on February 14, 2006 and their album titled IV was released April 25, 2006. According to an interview with Sully a new international tour is slated to begin in June and touring in the states will begin in September. IV debuted at number one on the Billboard 200, selling 211,000 copies in its first week. Godsmack and Rob Zombie kicked off a multi-city U.S. tour on August 25, 2006.

TGIF - This has been one fucked up week

2006-11-03T07:24:00.000+01:00

Well if anyone is still dropping by please forgive my limited posting. Why you may ask? Well Mrs. Nerd broke her hand on Tuesday, and yours truly has been picking up the slack. I must admit I’m finding out how much my spouse was taken for granted by myself and the rest of the clan here at Nerd acres. How bad her hand is screwed up we won’t know until Monday, when the chief surgeon gets back and has a look at. Needless to say this has been a hectic week. I’ll try and get a schedule down for regular posting next week. I find it amazing that Mrs. Nerd has time to work, sleep, eat, pursue her own hobbies, and do all the other shit she does in a 24 hour period! In my first calculations, I figured out that I need to change over to 37 hour days. Not a very good outlook. Being a man I’ll figure out how to cut that in half. It shouldn’t be a problem. After cutting a few corners I should have 17.5 hours of free time. Well at least that is how it looks on paper. So here’s some eye candy. I hope you have a great weekend. I probably won’t.

Happy Halloween - Now here's some grownup scary shit

2006-10-31T07:39:00.000+01:00

If these stories don't get you to crap you pants, nothing will. Have a cool Halloween everyone. I'm off to pick up my robes from the cleaners, and buy some black candles. I just got to be ready for the big hootenanny at the local graveyard tonight.

Just when you thought your vote counted. The conservatives have the last laugh.

George orwell's 1984 comes a little more closer to being the norm in our soceity.

The world's most cursed places.

Dubya - Leader of the sorta free world. Yes it's time to start being afraid.

Lastly... With the USA spreading so much democracy throughout the world. What do other peoples think?

Halloween/ Stripper music

2006-10-29T20:58:00.000+01:00

Thought I wouldn't get to post today. Blogger wouldn't let me republish my blog. Now just before I head off to work it seems to be working. Blogger why do you hate me? Well here's some Halloween music to enjoy. Rob Zombie (born Robert Bartleh Cummings on January 12, 1965[1] in Haverhill, Massachusetts) is a Heavy metal and Industrial Rock musician, a director, and a writer. His dreadlocks, gruff vocal style and fascination with B-movies have helped him become a distinctive element in American heavy metal. He is best known as founder, lead singer and songwriter for White Zombie. In recent years he has also established himself as a solo singer and as a director. His directorial career began with the horror exploitation feature, House of 1000 Corpses, and its sequel, The Devil's Rejects, released July 22nd, 2005. The Haunted World of El Superbeasto, an animated film based on his comic book series of the same name, is due for release in 2006.

TGIF - Creepy Freaky Friday

2006-10-27T08:19:00.000+02:00

The last Friday before Halloween. I first thought find some scary shit to post. Then I thought screw that. I hit 6 to 7 differant news sites everyday. If you haven't crapped your pants or turned into a shut-in, then you can't read. There's no way I could top that. So I'll have to settle for the creepy and the freaky. What do they say - sometimes fact is stranger than fiction. The biggest thing that comes to my mind is. How will some of these people look as grand parents. Hey have a great weekend everyone. See ya'll on Sunday.

Virtual Pumpkin Carving

2006-10-25T16:50:00.000+02:00

Carving a good pumpkin at Halloween time, don’t expect any good tips from me. Every time I’ve tried to do a pumpkin, it ended up looking like a fuckin Freddy Kruger murder victim. It sort of bums me out, because I have some pretty cool ideas. As we all know stupid fingers plus good ideas equal shit. Now if you’re an untalented, ham fisted, die hard pumpkin carving fan like myself. Don’t fret, there’s hope for us still. Thank you internet for online pumpkin carving, yes even I can now the joys of carving the perfect pumpkin. Since I’m a cheap bastard I don’t have to spend all that cash on real pumpkins to come up with my perfect pumpkin. No mess either, because I’d need a whole platoon of pumpkin sacrifices to come up with something half way decent. Edward Scissorhands move over, there’s a new mutilator in town. Now for some pretty funky shit going down in the world.

The Dutch one up on America in supporting the troops, sending Prostitutes to help boost moral.

The Mark Foley syndrome, yet another case found.

Yet another politician who is a pillar of his community.

Bad news if you’re planning on living beyond 2050.

According to Rush Limbaugh, Michael J. Fox is faking in his commercial supporting stem cell research. You can read the story here, and see the commercial here.

Lots of Shit today

2006-10-24T07:22:00.000+02:00

Well, shit.....
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

American Crap
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receivewhen passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with 'ESCAPEE')
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the 'WALK OF SHAME'.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of 'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS' and identify 'SAFE HAVENS'.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a 'WATERMELON' or to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS'. Very effective when used in conjunction with an 'ASTAIRE'.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS' that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an 'ASTAIRE', leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a 'WATERMELON' coming on, create a diversion. See 'CAMO-COUGH'.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a 'CAMO-COUGH' with an 'ASTAIRE'.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An 'UNCLE TED' makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a 'FREQUENT FLYER'. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a 'CRACK WHORE' include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a 'CRACK WHORE' can become a SAFEHAVEN.

El Presidente

2006-10-23T09:31:00.000+02:00

I try to leave politics out of my blog. Well sort of, at least I don’t bombard the people who read my blog with it. As we all know it’s getting down to the home stretch (election time and all that), so let’s not lose focus on what’s important. Namely that the system of checks and balances must be restored to our great nation. I don’t think it would be a very good idea to allow the GOP to continue to make all the decisions for us. Well I guess that one of those points in my life has come along again. What really set me off was this story I read at CNN this morning. Only Dubya could be this stupid. We’ll put the terrorist Boogie man on hold for awhile, and drag it out again in 2 years. The Outstanding Public Debt as of 23 Oct 2006 at 05:28:55 AM GMT is: $ 8,553,912,670,985.63. The estimated population of the United States is 300,045,659 so each citizen's share of this debt is $28,508.70. The National Debt has continued to increase an average of $1.60 billion per day since September 30, 2005!

I've made it back

2006-10-22T12:49:00.000+02:00

The Cult are an English rock band. The band's inception was in 1981, but there has been a lengthy hiatus on two occasions. The first from 1995 to 1999, and the second from 2002 to 2006.

Well it’s nice to be back. Recharged the batteries, took a break from the net, and all that.
This pretty much sums up my break.

How To Get A Life
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming and blogging habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

Mrs. Nerd has found some work for me to do

2006-10-09T09:23:00.000+02:00

I'll probably be taking this whole week off from blogging. As always, women find work for us men, and just when you think it's going to be an easy week. I've got a ton of stuff to get done this week so I don't think that I'll be able to squeez any blogging in. Sorry folks, I hope to see you all at the end of the week. As a parting note I've got to find out WTF women eat or drink that give them these brainstorms.

Old School Rock That Kicks Ass

2006-10-08T12:35:00.000+02:00

Rush is a Canadian progressive rock band comprising bassist, keyboardist and vocalist Geddy Lee, guitarist Alex Lifeson, and drummer and lyricist Neil Peart. Rush was formed in the summer of 1968, in Willowdale, Ontario by Lifeson, Lee, and John Rutsey. Peart replaced Rutsey on drums in July of 1974, two weeks before the group's first U.S. tour, to complete the present lineup. Since the release of their self-titled debut album in 1974 the band has become known for their instrumental virtuosity, complex compositions and erudite lyrics. Rush's three decades of continued success under the lineup of Lee, Lifeson, and Peart has earned the band the respect of their musical peers. Rush has influenced various modern artists such as Metallica, The Smashing Pumpkins and Primus, as well as notable progressive bands such as Dream Theater and Symphony X. Rush has been awarded several Juno Awards and was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame in 1994. Additionally, Lee, Lifeson, and Peart are all Officers of the Order of Canada, the first rock musicians so honored. Over the course of their career, the individual members of Rush have been recognized as some of the most proficient players on their respective instruments. Each member has won several awards in magazine readers' polls. As a whole, Rush boasts 23 gold records and 14 platinum (3 multi-platinum) records, making them one of the best-selling rock bands in history. Rush currently places fifth behind The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, KISS and Aerosmith for the most consecutive gold and platinum albums by a rock band.

TGIF - Kodak Moments

2006-10-06T08:11:00.000+02:00

Once again here's to those times when you luckly had your camera at the ready. As a side note here, you should check out this Colbert report segment. I sprayed beer out of my nose from laughing. Note to self: Learn the dangers of alcohol abuse. Have a great weekend everyone!

This and That

2006-10-05T07:54:00.000+02:00

Complaints from people with sexually transmitted diseases.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL
Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING
A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC
A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER
Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Terms for Female Masturbation
5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy
Boat Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

When I need a good laugh

2006-10-03T14:10:00.000+02:00

With all the bad news comming out of late. I find myself turning to news thats gets me laughing. As opposed to news that leaves me depressed. I'd like to share a couple links that are bound to get you laughing.

Jon Stewart on the subect of Jeff Gannon and Bloggers. - The video on this one is pretty poor, but the audio more than makes up for it. This is a must see!

Jon Stewart on the NSA scandal. - Once again Jon turns something disturbing into someting funny.

Jon Stweart covers the use of the Question Mark in todays media. Jon rips on all the news networks in this one.

Go out and win one for the Gipper!

2006-10-02T07:00:00.000+02:00

Hey guys. Have you ever wanted to win an argument with your wife, girlfriend, flusey, mistress, or significant other? Well here's a 13 step plan that will finally bring you the victory you've been craving.

Step 1. Abandon all logic. - Women don't use it, and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.
Step 2. If you believe strongly in something, do NOT give in to any aspect of it. - Compromise is useless against women, because they will rationalize that if they can get you to concede to one element, they can get you to quit on the whole fuckin' Periodic Table. Nothing like a little chemistry humor, right?
Step 3. Don't be afraid to take cheap shots. - Ever argue with a woman about something, and they randomly insult you with something that has no relevance to the argument? That's their way of trying to wear you down and push you off-topic. Fight fire with fire, I say. Tell her she has a fat ass, small boobs, an ugly face, disorienting facial hair, unwieldy hips, and is a genuinely awful person.
Step 4. Cite precedent. - Women have no concept of historical factors relating to the current situation. Most women reading this just went over to dictionary.com to see what precedent meant.
Step 5. Don't let her talk. - Women hate that like they hate other women. It’s hilarious, too. They get all frazzled.
Step 6. Don't take her seriously. - Laugh at every point she deems serious in nature. Fart, if possible. Derail her emotional train.
Step 7. If the argument escalates, cut off all communication with her. - If a woman can't find you, she can't continue arguing about bullshit. Change your phone number, relocate, and get a name change if you must.
Step 8. Don't be fooled by, and I quote “Let's stop arguing please.” - That's their way of making you let your guard down, so they can swoop in after you're worn down. Instead, say something like “Yeah, all this being right is exhausting for me.” It pisses them off trust me.
Step 9. Compare her unfavourably with another woman. - This is especially effective if the comparison is with another woman that they simply abhor. Tell her something like, “Lisa is so much more compassionate than you”. Women hate other women, like a deer hates a shotgun. And how do you take down a deer? Exactly.
Step 10. Don't be intimidated by the water works. - That's their ultimate contingency, knowing that guys can't deal with a crying woman. Stay strong; don't let yourself get emotional, just think of something funny. Replay scenes from South Park in your head if you must.
Step 11. Bust out, “I don't feel like fighting. I've proven my point.” - Then stop. Leave the argument. It pisses them off because a guy's natural reaction is to resolve, whereas a woman's is to continue forever and ever until the end of time until they hear that they are right. If a guy decides that he is right and won't budge, their whole concept of male-female relations is shot to shit. Again, mind games.
Step 12. Ask her if she's on the rag. - Self-explanatory.
Step 13. When all else fails, tell her she's just like her mother. - It's an ace-in-the-hole and will emotionally cripple her to such a degree she may even forget her whole argument.

Isn't it about time we won an argument for once? Gentlemen, that time is now.