The Naked Nerd

TGIF - Window To The Past

2006-11-17T08:04:00.000+01:00

First off I like to say if you came for a laugh as usual sorry. See I’ve had these photos for the longest time, but I never had a reason to share them. The photos I’ve posted are colour shots from America during the Second World War. This is back in the day when our grandparents and great grandparents were in their prime. I listened to the stories. I’ve looked at the black and white photos, but I never could make that connection in my mind of what it would be like today. Me personally I don’t think we dream or think in colour. With these colour photos from the past, it sort of helps me (how can I say it?) get the feel of what it must have been like. Our nation was in the middle of probably the biggest struggle mankind has ever known. It was a time of total war. Meaning every man and woman worked to further our cause. Knowing that our continued existence could only be achieved through victory. It must have been a great and moving time to live through. Today we have the War on Terror. I find myself some what desensitized with all the information we get from CNN, MSNBC, FOXNEWS, and the internet. I feel like we live in a plastic age. An age were morals, principals, convictions, values, and traditions have been thrown into the wind. I find it truly sad that now in today’s world that it’s non PC to say Merry Christmas. That telling kids about a jolly fat guy dressed in red, that gives away gifts for free is somehow wrong. WTF! Me personally, I think we live in some pretty sad times. I could probably go on and on, but I won’t. So here’s my window into the past. I hope you like it. Have a great weekend everyone.

Good Guys and Bad Guys

2006-11-16T08:28:00.000+01:00

George Carlin has got to be one of the best stand up comedians of my generation. Sadly just like me he’s getting older, but he hasn’t lost his edge. In my travels I’ve found that a lot of people that like George. Think the same way he does. Way back in the day when HBO had only one channel and it started at 7pm and finished up at around 3 or 4 am. I was just a little tyke. I remember turning on that big clunky receiver, and catching George Carlin for the first time. He was this middle aged guy who said a lot of jokes that were way over my head. Now the fucking profanity is what kept me interested. Later when I started growing hair in funny places, his humour started to make some sense. Now that I’m a middle aged guy, and he’s getting to be a real old guy, I can finally enjoy his humour in all its glory. Here are some of my favourites.

George Carlin - necrophilia

George Carlin on Religion

George Carlin on People that should die

George Carlin on People that should die pt2

Now for a real bad guy. OJ the man that killed and got away with it. I remember watching the most of the trial. You can write a whole book on this stuff, but I won’t. So I’ll sum it up in terms I think are pretty user friendly. When you have cash you get the good lawyers. When you’re poor you get to “ride the lightning”. Things that stick in my mind. A leather glove soaked with blood, and dried out. It wouldn’t fit DUH. Admitted as evidence. The same glove new that did fit not admitted. His lawyers were picking shit out of a gnat’s ass. Mark Ferman one the cops on the crime scene was ripped to pieces. Why, because he said the N word back in 1972!?!?!? WTF Well now OJ is putting out the story of if he hypothetically would have done it. DUDE! If someone was putting the shoes to my wife, living in my house, and driving my one hundred thousand dollar sports car around town. Well I would just have to do something about that, and it wouldn’t be in the form of a Hallmark card. As George Carlin say’s “Humans are the most interesting critters on the planet”.

A Quickie Today

2006-11-14T07:22:00.000+01:00

I got blogs to visit and a ton of stuff to do. What little time we have my precious, we works our fingers to the bone we do my precious. So here's a pretty cool quiz from LG. I just love getting my freak on.

Find out if you are a freak in bed at LiquidGeneration!

Only in the Movies

2006-11-13T14:32:00.000+01:00

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboardâ€¦

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone's Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

My Chemical Romance

2006-11-12T14:22:00.000+01:00

My Chemical Romance (also known as My Chem or MCR) is an American band from New Jersey. Formed in 2001, the band consists of Gerard Way (lead vocals), Mikey Way (bass), Bob Bryar (drums), Frank Iero (rhythm guitar), and Ray Toro (lead guitar). The band members hail from Belleville and Kearny, New Jersey, except drummer Bob Bryar, who is from Chicago, Illinois. Bassist Mikey Way coined the band's name from a book entitled Ecstasy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance, by Irvine Welsh.

TGIF - Eye Candy

2006-11-10T07:50:00.000+01:00

For me personally it's been a long week. Having to pick up a load of work for Mrs. Nerd. The long awaited election which I followed pretty intensely for the last 8 weeks. Plus having to do the quarterly cleaning of my computer/hobby room, or as Mrs. Nerd refers to it "the pig sty". I hope the weekend will be laid back. I'll be hooking up with a buddy of mine that I haven't partied with in a long time. Kick back have some brews and enjoy the weekend. If I'm lucky, hook up with my sis on Sunday for a cam chat. We haven't had time for it, at the same time if you know what I mean. I hope everone has a great weekend. I know I'll try to.

Fuck You

2006-11-09T07:53:00.000+01:00

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck D an Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
" Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"That’s not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
"Who's goanna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of Space Shuttle "Challenger"
"What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo
"Fuck a duck." Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its goanna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." Noah

The beginning of the end for Dubya?

2006-11-08T11:42:00.000+01:00

Congratulations Madam Speaker. With the absence of horns and cloven hoof, I must admit you don’t look like the boogeyman the GOP told us about. The people have given you a chance. Please don't let us down. With the system of checks and balances restored, Dubya will no longer be able to do what he wants when he wants. There’s much to do, and many things to set right. The hall is rented, the orchestra engaged. Now it's time to see if you can dance.

End The Rubber Stamp! VOTE TODAY!!!!

2006-11-07T07:20:00.000+01:00

We all thought this photo was a big joke...

...Now we know that it wasn't a joke, unless you're braindead. Do we really need more of this before we wake up.

Oh lordy I never thought that I would hope for Democratic election gains, but we all truly need to have the system of checks and balances restored. I'm not blessed with the gift of moving words. So here I give you a link to someone who can really say what I wish I could. In the free video window click on Launch. Something is terribly wrong with our nation. I hope that today we start to right the the damage that has been done.

Dedicated to the purple helmeted warrior of love

2006-11-06T07:11:00.000+01:00

Euphemisms for male masterbation

Fondle your flagpole
Free Willy
Frost the pastries
Frosting your maple bar
Frying up the corndog
Gallop the old lizard
Gardening with the golden trowel
Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
Get a date with Slick Mittens
Get the German soldier marching
Get to know yourself
Get your pole varnished
Give it a tug
Give your low five
Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Go blind
Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Go the blow
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Goose the gherkin
Grease the pipe
Greasing the three-legged cow
Hand job
Hard labor
Have one off the wrist
Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college
Hitchhike to heaven
Hitchhike underneath the big top
Hitting too close to home
Hoisting your own petard
Hold the bishop
Hold the sausage hostage
Holding your own
Hone the cone
Honk your horn
Hosing down the driveway
Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
Hug the hog
Hump your hose
Investing in pork bellies
Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
Jack hammer
Jazz yourself
Jerk Jamby
Jerk the gherkin
Left to your own devices
Letting the cat out of the bag
Liquidating the inventory

Request By The Penis
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early

Although it is noted that:

Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing Always happy to try alternative locations.

There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money I save!"

Godsmack

2006-11-05T12:50:00.000+01:00

Alice in Chains is believed to be the primary influence upon Godsmack; it is speculated that the band got their name from an Alice in Chains song of the same name and started off as a tribute band to Alice in Chains. In an interview with MTV upon the death of Alice in Chains lead singer Layne Staley, Godsmack frontman Sully Erna stated that Staley "was single-handedly the guy that got me to start singing." Other bands cited by Godsmack members as their primary influences typically include Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, Rush, Pearl Jam, Metallica, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath. In 2002, Godsmack received a Grammy nomination in Best Rock Instrumental Performance for the song "Vampires" from the album Awake. In 2004, they were opening for Metallica's Madly in Anger with the World Tour, while headlining with Dropbox in the summer. Then they did acoustic shows for their newly released album The Other Side in the fall of 2004, while still opening for Metallica. In September 2004, Godsmack issued a live DVD titled "Changes," (it went gold, according to RIAA) which the band recorded earlier that year. That same month, the group also released "Batalla de los Tambores," a live cut available only via online services such as Apple's iTunes Music Store, Real and Napster. Their latest single "Speak" was released on February 14, 2006 and their album titled IV was released April 25, 2006. According to an interview with Sully a new international tour is slated to begin in June and touring in the states will begin in September. IV debuted at number one on the Billboard 200, selling 211,000 copies in its first week. Godsmack and Rob Zombie kicked off a multi-city U.S. tour on August 25, 2006.

TGIF - This has been one fucked up week

2006-11-03T07:24:00.000+01:00

Well if anyone is still dropping by please forgive my limited posting. Why you may ask? Well Mrs. Nerd broke her hand on Tuesday, and yours truly has been picking up the slack. I must admit I’m finding out how much my spouse was taken for granted by myself and the rest of the clan here at Nerd acres. How bad her hand is screwed up we won’t know until Monday, when the chief surgeon gets back and has a look at. Needless to say this has been a hectic week. I’ll try and get a schedule down for regular posting next week. I find it amazing that Mrs. Nerd has time to work, sleep, eat, pursue her own hobbies, and do all the other shit she does in a 24 hour period! In my first calculations, I figured out that I need to change over to 37 hour days. Not a very good outlook. Being a man I’ll figure out how to cut that in half. It shouldn’t be a problem. After cutting a few corners I should have 17.5 hours of free time. Well at least that is how it looks on paper. So here’s some eye candy. I hope you have a great weekend. I probably won’t.

Happy Halloween - Now here's some grownup scary shit

2006-10-31T07:39:00.000+01:00

If these stories don't get you to crap you pants, nothing will. Have a cool Halloween everyone. I'm off to pick up my robes from the cleaners, and buy some black candles. I just got to be ready for the big hootenanny at the local graveyard tonight.

Just when you thought your vote counted. The conservatives have the last laugh.

George orwell's 1984 comes a little more closer to being the norm in our soceity.

The world's most cursed places.

Dubya - Leader of the sorta free world. Yes it's time to start being afraid.

Lastly... With the USA spreading so much democracy throughout the world. What do other peoples think?

Halloween/ Stripper music

2006-10-29T20:58:00.000+01:00

Thought I wouldn't get to post today. Blogger wouldn't let me republish my blog. Now just before I head off to work it seems to be working. Blogger why do you hate me? Well here's some Halloween music to enjoy. Rob Zombie (born Robert Bartleh Cummings on January 12, 1965[1] in Haverhill, Massachusetts) is a Heavy metal and Industrial Rock musician, a director, and a writer. His dreadlocks, gruff vocal style and fascination with B-movies have helped him become a distinctive element in American heavy metal. He is best known as founder, lead singer and songwriter for White Zombie. In recent years he has also established himself as a solo singer and as a director. His directorial career began with the horror exploitation feature, House of 1000 Corpses, and its sequel, The Devil's Rejects, released July 22nd, 2005. The Haunted World of El Superbeasto, an animated film based on his comic book series of the same name, is due for release in 2006.

TGIF - Creepy Freaky Friday

2006-10-27T08:19:00.000+02:00

The last Friday before Halloween. I first thought find some scary shit to post. Then I thought screw that. I hit 6 to 7 differant news sites everyday. If you haven't crapped your pants or turned into a shut-in, then you can't read. There's no way I could top that. So I'll have to settle for the creepy and the freaky. What do they say - sometimes fact is stranger than fiction. The biggest thing that comes to my mind is. How will some of these people look as grand parents. Hey have a great weekend everyone. See ya'll on Sunday.

Virtual Pumpkin Carving

2006-10-25T16:50:00.000+02:00

Carving a good pumpkin at Halloween time, don’t expect any good tips from me. Every time I’ve tried to do a pumpkin, it ended up looking like a fuckin Freddy Kruger murder victim. It sort of bums me out, because I have some pretty cool ideas. As we all know stupid fingers plus good ideas equal shit. Now if you’re an untalented, ham fisted, die hard pumpkin carving fan like myself. Don’t fret, there’s hope for us still. Thank you internet for online pumpkin carving, yes even I can now the joys of carving the perfect pumpkin. Since I’m a cheap bastard I don’t have to spend all that cash on real pumpkins to come up with my perfect pumpkin. No mess either, because I’d need a whole platoon of pumpkin sacrifices to come up with something half way decent. Edward Scissorhands move over, there’s a new mutilator in town. Now for some pretty funky shit going down in the world.

The Dutch one up on America in supporting the troops, sending Prostitutes to help boost moral.

The Mark Foley syndrome, yet another case found.

Yet another politician who is a pillar of his community.

Bad news if you’re planning on living beyond 2050.

According to Rush Limbaugh, Michael J. Fox is faking in his commercial supporting stem cell research. You can read the story here, and see the commercial here.

Lots of Shit today

2006-10-24T07:22:00.000+02:00

Well, shit.....
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

American Crap
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receivewhen passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with 'ESCAPEE')
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the 'WALK OF SHAME'.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of 'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS' and identify 'SAFE HAVENS'.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a 'WATERMELON' or to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS'. Very effective when used in conjunction with an 'ASTAIRE'.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential 'TURD BURGLARS' that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an 'ASTAIRE', leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a 'WATERMELON' coming on, create a diversion. See 'CAMO-COUGH'.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a 'CAMO-COUGH' with an 'ASTAIRE'.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An 'UNCLE TED' makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a 'FREQUENT FLYER'. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a 'CRACK WHORE' include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a 'CRACK WHORE' can become a SAFEHAVEN.

El Presidente

2006-10-23T09:31:00.000+02:00

I try to leave politics out of my blog. Well sort of, at least I don’t bombard the people who read my blog with it. As we all know it’s getting down to the home stretch (election time and all that), so let’s not lose focus on what’s important. Namely that the system of checks and balances must be restored to our great nation. I don’t think it would be a very good idea to allow the GOP to continue to make all the decisions for us. Well I guess that one of those points in my life has come along again. What really set me off was this story I read at CNN this morning. Only Dubya could be this stupid. We’ll put the terrorist Boogie man on hold for awhile, and drag it out again in 2 years. The Outstanding Public Debt as of 23 Oct 2006 at 05:28:55 AM GMT is: $ 8,553,912,670,985.63. The estimated population of the United States is 300,045,659 so each citizen's share of this debt is $28,508.70. The National Debt has continued to increase an average of $1.60 billion per day since September 30, 2005!

I've made it back

2006-10-22T12:49:00.000+02:00

The Cult are an English rock band. The band's inception was in 1981, but there has been a lengthy hiatus on two occasions. The first from 1995 to 1999, and the second from 2002 to 2006.

Well it’s nice to be back. Recharged the batteries, took a break from the net, and all that.
This pretty much sums up my break.

How To Get A Life
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming and blogging habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

Mrs. Nerd has found some work for me to do

2006-10-09T09:23:00.000+02:00

I'll probably be taking this whole week off from blogging. As always, women find work for us men, and just when you think it's going to be an easy week. I've got a ton of stuff to get done this week so I don't think that I'll be able to squeez any blogging in. Sorry folks, I hope to see you all at the end of the week. As a parting note I've got to find out WTF women eat or drink that give them these brainstorms.

Old School Rock That Kicks Ass

2006-10-08T12:35:00.000+02:00

Rush is a Canadian progressive rock band comprising bassist, keyboardist and vocalist Geddy Lee, guitarist Alex Lifeson, and drummer and lyricist Neil Peart. Rush was formed in the summer of 1968, in Willowdale, Ontario by Lifeson, Lee, and John Rutsey. Peart replaced Rutsey on drums in July of 1974, two weeks before the group's first U.S. tour, to complete the present lineup. Since the release of their self-titled debut album in 1974 the band has become known for their instrumental virtuosity, complex compositions and erudite lyrics. Rush's three decades of continued success under the lineup of Lee, Lifeson, and Peart has earned the band the respect of their musical peers. Rush has influenced various modern artists such as Metallica, The Smashing Pumpkins and Primus, as well as notable progressive bands such as Dream Theater and Symphony X. Rush has been awarded several Juno Awards and was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame in 1994. Additionally, Lee, Lifeson, and Peart are all Officers of the Order of Canada, the first rock musicians so honored. Over the course of their career, the individual members of Rush have been recognized as some of the most proficient players on their respective instruments. Each member has won several awards in magazine readers' polls. As a whole, Rush boasts 23 gold records and 14 platinum (3 multi-platinum) records, making them one of the best-selling rock bands in history. Rush currently places fifth behind The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, KISS and Aerosmith for the most consecutive gold and platinum albums by a rock band.

TGIF - Kodak Moments

2006-10-06T08:11:00.000+02:00

Once again here's to those times when you luckly had your camera at the ready. As a side note here, you should check out this Colbert report segment. I sprayed beer out of my nose from laughing. Note to self: Learn the dangers of alcohol abuse. Have a great weekend everyone!

This and That

2006-10-05T07:54:00.000+02:00

Complaints from people with sexually transmitted diseases.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

Dictionary of Dating

ATTRACTION
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL
Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING
A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC
A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER
Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Terms for Female Masturbation
5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy
Boat Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

When I need a good laugh

2006-10-03T14:10:00.000+02:00

With all the bad news comming out of late. I find myself turning to news thats gets me laughing. As opposed to news that leaves me depressed. I'd like to share a couple links that are bound to get you laughing.

Jon Stewart on the subect of Jeff Gannon and Bloggers. - The video on this one is pretty poor, but the audio more than makes up for it. This is a must see!

Jon Stewart on the NSA scandal. - Once again Jon turns something disturbing into someting funny.

Jon Stweart covers the use of the Question Mark in todays media. Jon rips on all the news networks in this one.

Go out and win one for the Gipper!

2006-10-02T07:00:00.000+02:00

Hey guys. Have you ever wanted to win an argument with your wife, girlfriend, flusey, mistress, or significant other? Well here's a 13 step plan that will finally bring you the victory you've been craving.

Step 1. Abandon all logic. - Women don't use it, and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.
Step 2. If you believe strongly in something, do NOT give in to any aspect of it. - Compromise is useless against women, because they will rationalize that if they can get you to concede to one element, they can get you to quit on the whole fuckin' Periodic Table. Nothing like a little chemistry humor, right?
Step 3. Don't be afraid to take cheap shots. - Ever argue with a woman about something, and they randomly insult you with something that has no relevance to the argument? That's their way of trying to wear you down and push you off-topic. Fight fire with fire, I say. Tell her she has a fat ass, small boobs, an ugly face, disorienting facial hair, unwieldy hips, and is a genuinely awful person.
Step 4. Cite precedent. - Women have no concept of historical factors relating to the current situation. Most women reading this just went over to dictionary.com to see what precedent meant.
Step 5. Don't let her talk. - Women hate that like they hate other women. It’s hilarious, too. They get all frazzled.
Step 6. Don't take her seriously. - Laugh at every point she deems serious in nature. Fart, if possible. Derail her emotional train.
Step 7. If the argument escalates, cut off all communication with her. - If a woman can't find you, she can't continue arguing about bullshit. Change your phone number, relocate, and get a name change if you must.
Step 8. Don't be fooled by, and I quote “Let's stop arguing please.” - That's their way of making you let your guard down, so they can swoop in after you're worn down. Instead, say something like “Yeah, all this being right is exhausting for me.” It pisses them off trust me.
Step 9. Compare her unfavourably with another woman. - This is especially effective if the comparison is with another woman that they simply abhor. Tell her something like, “Lisa is so much more compassionate than you”. Women hate other women, like a deer hates a shotgun. And how do you take down a deer? Exactly.
Step 10. Don't be intimidated by the water works. - That's their ultimate contingency, knowing that guys can't deal with a crying woman. Stay strong; don't let yourself get emotional, just think of something funny. Replay scenes from South Park in your head if you must.
Step 11. Bust out, “I don't feel like fighting. I've proven my point.” - Then stop. Leave the argument. It pisses them off because a guy's natural reaction is to resolve, whereas a woman's is to continue forever and ever until the end of time until they hear that they are right. If a guy decides that he is right and won't budge, their whole concept of male-female relations is shot to shit. Again, mind games.
Step 12. Ask her if she's on the rag. - Self-explanatory.
Step 13. When all else fails, tell her she's just like her mother. - It's an ace-in-the-hole and will emotionally cripple her to such a degree she may even forget her whole argument.

Isn't it about time we won an argument for once? Gentlemen, that time is now.

Here's one for my fellow Blogger Kristyn

2006-10-01T14:10:00.000+02:00

HIM is a band from Finland formed in 1991 by vocalist Ville Valo, guitarist Mikko Viljami "Linde" Lindström, and bassist Mikko Henrik Julius "Migé" Paananen. As of 2006, they are the first and only Finnish rock band to sell Gold in the USA. The band's name was His Infernal Majesty at the beginning, but was changed to just "H.I.M." or "HIM" after people started associating the band with Satanism in Finland. They were also known as HER and HIM and HER for a brief time while in the United States and Germany, respectively. HIM started out as a cover band of artists such as Type O Negative, KISS, Danzig, Black Sabbath and Depeche Mode. The band released their first studio album, Greatest Love Songs Vol. 666, on November 20, 1997. The album features covers of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" and Blue Öyster Cult's "(Don't Fear) The Reaper". After gaining popularity in Europe, particularly their homeland, with the success of their second album, 1999's Razorblade Romance, HIM broke out into the mainstream in the UK in the early 2000s. The group became more well-known in America and internationally when professional skateboarder and TV personality Bam Margera began using the band's heartagram logo and promoting them extensively on his MTV series Viva La Bam

TGIF - Lets Do The Random Thingy

2006-09-29T07:35:00.000+02:00

Here we are with yet another wonderful Friday. End of the work week, chill out time and all that. Sex on the weekend is always the best. During the week it's usually the quickies we have to live with, but on the weekend we have time to have some real fun. Mrs. Nerd just loves it when I put on my chicken suit, and break out the vasoline. Um nevermind that for now, I'll leave that story for another time. Anyways here's some random eye candy to ease you along into the weekend. Have a great weekend everyone! I know I will cluck cluck.

On the lighter of life

2006-09-28T07:22:00.000+02:00

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What's grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet.

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

Pissed off Patriot

2006-09-27T08:50:00.000+02:00

Did anyone out there catch the whole interview by Chris Wallace of Bill Clinton for FOX NEWS? I watched the whole interview on YouTube, and I’m probably one of the last to see it there. Since FOX NEWS has flexed its muscle, and had it taken down. You can read the whole story here. There are hundreds of clips from FOX on YouTube, but because Bill gives the equivalent of an intellectual bitch slap to Chris Wallace. It will never be shown in its entirety again. I’m not a big Clinton fan, but I have to tip my hat to someone who finally put one of these propaganda mongers in their place. Unlike many on the internet who are so called patriots, and never served their county I’m the real thing. I’m a decorated war veteran, and I think I’ve earned the right to speak out. The war in Iraq is bullshit. I would have supported it if we had gone in under a UN mandate, but Dubya knew the inspectors wouldn’t find shit. We invaded, and are occupying an Arab country. It doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out that it’s going to piss Arabs off. Being an expatriate I’m not subjected to the constant propaganda that you all are being bombarded with. In Germany, and other countries the normal guy on the street sees the truth.

The meat of it is. Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, but it is helping to influence a whole bunch of crazy fuckers that want nothing more than to see dead Americans. Over 2600 of our finest have fallen in a foreign land for a lie. Dubya has gutted the finest military in the world, so fat cats can get even fatter on the blood money of our fallen heroes. I’m a blogger, and you know how my opinion is seen by the propaganda machine. Here’s a quote from TIME “Meanwhile, there is the blog terror: people are getting their understanding of the world from random lunatics riffing in their underwear, rather than professional journalists with standards and passports”. You can read that whole story here. We the people have no understanding, is what they are trying to say. We all should STFU and GBTW. Fuck Them!!!

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquillity, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. Our founding fathers had many words of wisdom that seem to be getting lost, and distorted by the people that were entrusted to protect and lead us. I’m proud to be an American. I’m proud to be a patriot. It really hurts to see how far we as a people have sunk. When our commander and chief tries to pass legislation which will allow torture of enemy combatants. If you stayed here this long, and read everything I’ve written then thank you. It’s something I needed to get off my chest.

Add some spice to your life, and shoot fire out your ass

2006-09-26T07:20:00.000+02:00

I know this post may look a little wierd. That's because I had to host my photos elsewhere. I'm grinding my teeth at blogger fucking with me again. They'd shit their pants if I walked into their office with a gas operated, semi automatic, assault rifle. Well anyway back at the ranch. Normal TABASCO has always been enough for me. I go through about 1 bottle every week. I've been hooked on the stuff since the military. See as long as your on base eating at the chow hall (that's army slang for dinning area) the grub was pretty damm good. When you think about how much they had to cook. Out in the field is another thing. Bright and early you get some scrambled eggs that look, and taste like it's been carved out of Sponge Bob. In desperation I tried some TABASCO. I've been hooked since. Well here is something for the person who craves pain. Here's one of the better sites to get your own bottle of Ass Reaper. When your sitting there crying on the throne, don't blame me.

Fun with Barbie

2006-09-25T10:51:00.000+02:00

It looks like there's now a Barbie for every occasion.

For the connoisseur of modern rock

2006-09-24T12:03:00.000+02:00

Tool is an American progressive rock band, formed in 1990 in Los Angeles, California, when drummer Danny Carey joined the rehearsal of his neighbor, singer Maynard James Keenan, guitarist Adam Jones and bassist Paul d'Amour, when nobody else would show up. His decision proved to be a stroke of luck when the band turned out to become a highly successful act, "introducing dark, vaguely underground metal to the preening pretentiousness of art rock" — most notably due to their influential second album, Ænima (1996). They have gained appreciation and critical praise for a complex and ever-evolving sound that ranges from "slam and bang" heavy metal on their first release to more progressive influenced songwriting on Lateralus (2001) which "in another era would have been considered progressive rock, ten tons of impressive pretension." Their overall sound has been described as "grinding, post-Jane's Addiction heavy metal" as well as "a primal sound as distinct as it is disturbing" — most simplified categorizations of the band's genre are often dismissed (see: Arguments About Genre & Categorization). They are known for addressing philosophical and spiritual issues in their lyrics, such as evolution and Jungian psychology ("Forty Six & 2"), organized religion ("Opiate") and transcendence ("Lateralus"), as well as for songs that feature "complex rhythm changes, haunting vocals, and an onslaught of changes in dynamics" which often result in a greater-than-average track length. Their music has been influenced by King Crimson, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Rush, Meshuggah, and early Yes, among several others. In turn, Tool's music has been deemed influential by critics and fellow artists alike.

TGIF - Dan Collins my lowbrow hero

2006-09-22T07:21:00.000+02:00

I discovered Dan collins From Hustler and Hustler humor. I was an avid reader. Dan has a very sick sense of humor, and that's why I love his work. You can visit his awesome website here. Have a great weekend everyone.

I can feel the weekend getting close

2006-09-21T07:44:00.000+02:00

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer. So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?” “I dunno,” claims Bobby. So then she says, “I'll give you a hint—it's what your mother calls your father.” The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that's what a son of a bitch looks like!”

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."
"Why's that?"
"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

My empty mind

2006-09-20T07:18:00.000+02:00

I had a real AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! day at work last night. Nothing to do with people, it just seemed like nothing could go right. I know that shit happens, but it was really a WTF night. Then to top it off I had my drive home. Usually at that time of day there are no cars on the road. Not today, I thought it was fucking rush hour, I shit you not. In the 20 minute drive home, I must have said WTF about 30 times. Every idiot with a drivers license must have been up bright and early to help make my day complete. I can relate to road rage. Blue haired old ladies, trucks, and fucking retards that won their license in a lottery. The rest I leave up to your imagination. Enough said about that.
Stress?? Not a problem here.

In parting I'd like to mention the big Steve Irwin service they had yesterday. The PM of Australia even attended. This is just my opinion, but I fail to see what made this guy so great. Do the words homicide waiting to happen mean anything? Or how about pushing your luck? Before you get mad at me, let me put this in another light. If someone took a sleeping bag, and slept every night on the passing lane of the local interstate. Untill they got run the fuck over. Would that make them a hero? I rest my case. My temporary insanity seems to be passing. The 3 beers also seemed to have helped. So I guess I'll stop when I'm ahead.

Time to start being afraid

2006-09-19T07:02:00.000+02:00

Chances are you know a stupid person. It's time to get the word out on these people. It's also time once again to vote for World Stupidity Awards. With categories like Stupidest Statement of the Year, Stupidest Trend of the Year, and Media Outlet Which Has Best Furthered Ignorance. You can't go wrong here. Get out the vote, and make your voice heard!

While surfing through my news haunts I ran across something which I found very disturbing. Sharks are evolving, and they're learning to walk on land! You can read about it here. I'm getting some real bad vibes from that story. The last thing we need is Jaws walking around at a beach party!

Nice Ride

2006-09-18T12:54:00.000+02:00

Anyone up for a test drive?

Yet Another Cool Canadian Band

2006-09-17T14:28:00.000+02:00

Three Days Grace is a Canadian band formed in Norwood, Ontario in 1997. The band consists of members Adam Gontier (vocals and guitar), Neil Sanderson (drums), Brad Walst (bass) and Barry Stock (guitar). They originally formed as a quintet in 1992 under the name Groundswell; they changed their name to Three Days Grace and became a quartet in 1997. The group moved from Norwood to Toronto and met producer Gavin Brown, formerly of the band Big Sugar. Brown helped produce their self-titled debut album, Three Days Grace, which was released in 2003; it reached the top ten of the Canadian albums chart, the top 100 of the U.S. Billboard 200 albums chart, and number-one on Billboard's Top Heatseekers chart. Upon completion of the album the band recruited Stock to help on lead guitar to give Adam breathing room on stage and on tour. The album's hit lead single, "I Hate Everything About You," reached number-one in Canada and the top ten in the U.S. The second single "Just Like You," gave the group a second number-one in Canada. Their third single, "Home" was also a hit, charting at #2 on the US Modern Rock chart, although it wasn't as successful as the other two. A fourth single, "Wake Up," was only released in Canada. It was also successful on the Canadian Rock chart.

TGIF - This One Goes Out To All The Ladies In The House

2006-09-15T08:12:00.000+02:00

This Friday is just for you gals out there. Why this special day for you. Let's just say it's a BIG THANK YOU! You know, for all those times you give us guys a nice complement, and it takes us 20 minutes to realize. That HEY! That was really a smart ass comment. WTF!

Dog babies and some other weird shit

2006-09-14T08:08:00.000+02:00

This coming Monday will be 3 weeks since my dog had her puppies. Do you own a dog? Have you ever seen a dog have puppies or care for them afterwards? Well I have, and one real good lesson I've learned is. NO dog will ever touch me again with it's mouth. That's all I'll say on that issue. At the end of this photo shoot Mrs. Nerd started getting a little nervous. That's because the puppies started getting nervous. Nervous puppies = Piss and Shit! Well we started grabbing puppies to get them back downstairs. I had two puppies already, when Mrs. Nerd pointed something out. She informed me that, she was not going to take the one puppy that had crawled through his own feces. Since it was my bright idea for the photo shoot, and Mrs. Nerd made such a loud and strong statement, that I caved in this one time. Hey I can afford to be generous. We all know who the boss is around here, and if you don't believe me. Ask my dog. If you’re emotionless cold hearted, and don't give a flying fuck about puppies. Please feel free to scroll down to a really cool link, and a great joke.

Free your mind and the ass will follow.

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked “All right buddy what's your name?”
“Sam.” the cowboy moaned.
“Where’re you from, Sam?” asked the Ranger.
“The balcony” Replied Sam.

I need to post some eye candy

2006-09-13T07:13:00.000+02:00

On the road to humour, this should help me along.

I should have waited to start posting again

2006-09-13T06:46:00.000+02:00

I really did need a little break, but maybe I should have waited till after 9/11. See it's like this. CNN pipeline ran the whole 9/11 program again. Just like when it happened. I lisentend, and watched the whole thing again. You know what? It put me in a pretty fucking black mood, let me tell ya. Some people didn't go for the whole package. I mean how many times do you need to see something like that. One of the worst day's in American history. We've had plenty of bad shit happen to us as a nation. The 9/11 attack is a defining moment for our generation, and a national tragedy. Americans owe to the fallen, the debt of never forgetting.

In Remembrance Of Those Who Were Lost

2006-09-11T09:54:00.000+02:00

Canadian Rockers - And They're Good!?!?

2006-09-10T11:06:00.000+02:00

The Tragically Hip are a Canadian rock band from Kingston, Ontario, consisting of Gordon Downie (lead vocals and occasional acoustic guitar), Paul Langlois (guitar), Rob Baker (guitar), Gord Sinclair (bass) and Johnny Fay (drums). The band is highly popular and influential in Canada and in 2005 was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame. The Tragically Hip — often referred to simply as The Hip — formed in 1983. They took their name from a skit in the movie Elephant Parts by Michael Nesmith of The Monkees.

On break till Sunday

2006-09-06T10:42:00.000+02:00

Curious GWB

2006-09-04T09:55:00.000+02:00

If you need a good laugh you need to check out this video Curious GWB. It's not the new George Bush assassination video. Which I think is in bad taste, but hey when one of the cornerstones of your goverment guarantees freedom of speech. Well then I guess that goes for everybody then.

Gone But Not Forgotten

2006-09-03T12:42:00.000+02:00

Nirvana was a popular American rock band from Aberdeen, Washington. With the lead single "Smells Like Teen Spirit" from their 1991 album Nevermind, Nirvana exploded into the mainstream, bringing along with it an offshoot of punk and alternative rock referred to as grunge. Other Seattle grunge bands such as Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden also gained in popularity, and, as a result, alternative rock became a dominant genre on radio and music television in the United States during the early-to-middle 1990s. As Nirvana's frontman, Kurt Cobain found himself referred to in the media as the "spokesman of a generation", with Nirvana the "flagship band" of "Generation X". Cobain was uncomfortable with the attention, and placed his focus on the band's music, challenging the band's audience with their third studio album In Utero. While Nirvana's mainstream popularity waned in the months following its release, their core audience cherished the band's dark interior, particularly after their 1993 performance on MTV Unplugged. Nirvana's brief run ended with the death of Cobain in 1994, but the band's popularity expanded in the years that followed. Eight years after Cobain's death, "You Know You're Right", an unfinished demo that the band recorded two months prior to Cobain's death, topped radio playlists around the world. Since their debut, the band has sold more than fifty million albums worldwide, including more than ten million copies of Nevermind in the US alone. Nirvana remains a consistent presence on radio stations worldwide.

TGIF - The Last Big Weekend Of Summer

2006-09-01T10:50:00.000+02:00

I know that summer doesn’t end for a couple more weeks, but some how Labor Day weekend always ended it for me. If you a child it’s back to school. We adults have no more vacation. It’s a pretty depressing time all right. If you’re like me you’re already planning for next year. Let me throw out a couple ideas for you to look at. Let me know if anything catches your eye. Have a great holiday weekend everyone.

WTF I'll try this again

2006-08-31T15:08:00.000+02:00

I've been trying to post since this morning. Only problem I couldn't get into my dashboard. I don't know, for like past two weeks things have been running slower than shit. Now this shit. Well I guess the price you have to pay for being a cheap bastard is shitty service on the free servers. It's not my internet connection either, because I listen to music streaming and play a MMORPG online all at the same time. No problems there. So it must be blogger. Before I go there's a cool new quiz at Liquid Generation.

What kind of Celebrity Ho-Bag are you?

Wal-Mart shoppers beware of this scam

2006-08-30T08:31:00.000+02:00

A heads up for you and any friends you have who may be regular Wal-Mart customers. Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get the groceries has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it could not happen to you. Here's how the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th and again just yesterday, and very likely this upcoming weekend. I am spending my weekend at Wal-Mart, I’m going to bring three old wallets with a dollar in each. I will teach them!

For a good laugh check out this clip (it's a short one I promiss) Karaoke for the Deaf

A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma

2006-08-28T20:26:00.000+02:00

The bigger the lie, the greater the likelihood that
it will be believed. -- Adolf Hitler

My dear brothers, never forget, when you hear the progress of enlightenment vaunted, that the devil's best trick is to persuade you that he doesn't exist!-- Baudelaire

Do you think you know everything there is to know about 9/11? If you have an open mind, then maybe you should watch this.

Monday's MILF - Owed to the t-shirt

2006-08-28T07:14:00.000+02:00

It's been awhile since I've posted any MILF's. Time to correct that. Nothing say's it better for a MILF than a cool t-shirt. Now some people would, and do call me a pig (Mrs.Nerd being one of them). All I have to say to that is, at least I'm an honest pig. I see nothing wrong with letting the world know what's on your mind.

The Red playing on my Bolt player

2006-08-27T13:44:00.000+02:00

Chevelle is an alternative metal/hard rock band from Grayslake, IL founded by brothers Joe, Pete and Sam Loeffler. They formed in 1994 and broke out in 2002 with their signature song, "The Red." The band is now signed to Epic Records. Chevelle is currently working on their fourth studio album that will be released at some point in 2006 with the songs "Humanoid," "Straight Jacket Fashion," and "We Paint the Seconds That Flow." While the band originally featured the Loeffler brothers, Joe Loeffler was relieved of his duties as bassist July 10, 2005 due to "irreconcilable differences." He was replaced by Geno Lenardo, also a one-time remix producer for the band, for the rest of the 2005 summer tour. On August 20, 2005, Lenardo was replaced on bass by Dean Bernadini, the brother-in-law to the Loeffler brothers.

TGIF- Dedicated to the Wise Ass

2006-08-25T07:22:00.000+02:00

Yes I'm a wise ass just ask Anastasia, she's known me for awhile. You could probably ask Greg about how stupid people we both know avoid me like the plague. We all have a talent. Mine is to see someone doing, or saying something retarded, and to have the correct rebuttal. Some people really hate me for this, oh well WTF. Now my point being I read a lot of blogs, and sometimes I have to shake my head. Since I'm not a professional writer like some people I know. I can't really get out in words what I really mean. I'm one of those "I like the pictures" kind of person. Posting a photo to someone's comments would be so much cooler don't you think? If blogger let's us do this in the future, I have a few already made up. So here's a couple to see what I'm talking about. Let me know what you think. Have a great weekend everyone, and I'll catch you all on Sunday. Later I'm outta here.

Humans are so funny

2006-08-24T07:49:00.000+02:00

Ever wonder why al-qaeda terrorists are so flippen retarded? Well just take a gander at one of their training videos here. Now if you really want to be a terrorist, and I mean to your ex-boss maybe you should check this out. I've always found funerals to be depressing. Well the Chinese have found a way to spice things up. Are you like me and have small children? Are you worried what your children can access on the internet? Don't worry! Put your trust in the hands of professionals! If that bummed you out too much here' some good news. Before I go, I just want to hit on one more topic, and that's the death penalty. Have you ever wondered who really deserves to ride the lightning? Well this guy would be a good start. While we're on the subject of the death penalty. I just want to sign out for today with something I filed under ironic. South Dakota's first execution since 1947 will be a Texan. Just some of topics going through my sick mind today.

In Fear Of Becoming Too Tame

2006-08-23T06:57:00.000+02:00

Just to show Sugar that I'm still packing heat....

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.
------------------------------------
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below. By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates. "HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there." "No I don't," she responds. "Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do." "No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there. "Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
------------------------------------
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".
------------------------------------
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says,
"Can I smell your crotch?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says,
"Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies.
"It must be your feet, then."

The Model Lodger

2006-08-22T09:00:00.000+02:00

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

The Naked Nerd In Deep Space

2006-08-21T09:02:00.000+02:00

I just hope that if another intelligent life form reads my blog, they have a sense of humor. I'd hate to be the cause of a intergalactic war.

New Billy Talent

2006-08-20T11:43:00.000+02:00

Billy Talent, originally called Pezz, is a Canadian modern rock band. Originally from Mississauga, Ontario, they are now based in downtown Toronto. They performed and recorded together for about a decade before finding a wide mainstream following. The band originated in Streetsville, part of the Toronto suburb of Mississauga, Ontario. In 2002, producer Gavin Brown picked up a demo tape from the band and quickly circulated it to record companies, attracting considerable interest. In the end, the band signed with Atlantic Records and Warner Music Canada. In the fall of 2003, the band released their full-length self-titled album, Billy Talent. The album found considerable mainstream airplay and sales success. "Try Honesty" was a successful first single, and was followed by other singles into late 2003 and 2004. The band played sold-out shows in Canada and the United States and had success in Europe as well. The band received Juno and MuchMusic Video Award nominations and awards, and spent late 2004 and most of 2005 touring. As of June 2006, Billy Talent the album, has gone 3x Platinum in Canada and will soon achieve mainstream success in the United States as well after playing shows at almost every Warped Tour 2006 festival.

TGIF - WTF

2006-08-18T07:18:00.000+02:00

Got home from work today checked my blog and all I got was a white page. I started freaking. After a few minutes and some calm thought. I logged into blogger and republished my blog. That did the trick. Now that my mind is blown away I'll post something else today. Since what I wanted to post is not working in the idea dept. Funny how people get side tracked, and forget what they really wanted to do. So here's something quick from Mr.Larson of Farside fame. I have like all his books. His work is so great because you have to be as sick as he is to truly understand his humour. Well have a great weekend everyone.

Stupid Quotes

2006-08-17T07:08:00.000+02:00

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

The Age Of Fear We Live In

2006-08-16T10:30:00.000+02:00

With recent events in London not helping matters terror threat levels are up all over the world. Thanks to some fanatical bozzo's you can't even bring a bottle of water on a plane ride. Yahoo has a whole page of updated and planed new security messures comming to our local airport, you can read about them here. On the one hand I'm glad that the authorities are keeping us safe when we travel. On the other hand it's getting to be a pain in the ass. We have to take our shoes off now. Can you imagine if terrorists had tried to smuggle bombs in their underwear!?!?! Goverments of the world spend a lot of time and effort combating terrorism. Maybe they should be putting equal effort into the reasons their are terrorists. Like combating poverty, corruption in governments and seeing that the billons made from natural resources make it down to the people that need it. Well just my mad ramblings for today.

New Emoticons plus a nerd quiz

2006-08-15T10:49:00.000+02:00

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass-cons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
Time for another quiz

Papa Roach on my bolt player this week

2006-08-13T11:22:00.000+02:00

Papa Roach is a four-piece rock music group originating from Vacaville, California. They broke through in to the mainstream with their three times platinum major-label debut album Infest (2000). The group's success continued with later releases lovehatetragedy (2002) and Getting Away With Murder (2004). The group's fourth major album is titled The Paramour Sessions, due out September 12. The early formation of Papa Roach occurred in January of 1993, where Jacoby Shaddix (vocals) and Dave Buckner (drums) met on the Vacaville High School football field, where the two ended up talking about music. They were later joined by Will James (bass) and Ben Luther (trombone), completing Papa Roach’s first ever line-up. They decided to enter in the school's talent show, where they performed a cover version of Jimi Hendrix's famous song, "Fire". However, the performance was most notable for the fact they played without a guitarist. They ultimately didn't win the contest. It has been confirmed that the official album title for their 4th major-label album is The Paramour Sessions scheduled for release September 12, via Geffen Records.

TGIF - Things seldom seen

2006-08-11T07:11:00.000+02:00

Here's to those moments in life when you do have a camera handy. Have a great weekend all.

Bumper Stickers pt2

2006-08-10T07:08:00.000+02:00

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Assassins do it from behind.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Bumper Stickers Pt1

2006-08-09T07:03:00.000+02:00

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Presidential hopefuls?!?!

2006-08-08T07:02:00.000+02:00

We the world only have 896 days left of Dubya. Can I get a Hallelujah brothers and sisters! Click here if you want your own THE BUSH COUNTDOWN CLOCK, very cool for the blog. Well any way it's time to start thinking about who we want next to run the free world, and no Hitler and Eddy Amin are not avalible for the job. At one point in my life I considered myself a Republican. Thanks to Dubya I consider myself an Independent now. So being the fare person I am, I thought I would give everyone a peek at the top picks. No for the Democrats. My personal favorite is Mr.Fudd. In this stormy world he seems like the rock we can hold onto.

Now of course there's the top Dem favorite which is Hillary. I'm sorry, but any chick that would do her own man with a strap on. Would have no problem with giving it to the rest of the nation. So if your like me then your asshole is Exit Only! We don't need this super b***h bending us all over.

Of course the Republicans have card up their sleeve in Dr.Condi Rice. I'll admit that she's a dark horse (no pun intended). Smart chicks don't scare me, and she really isn't that bad looking. If she would just get rid of the Betty Ford outfits.

Last but not least the Emperor from Star Wars. Seeing how the rest of the world sees Americans now he would be the perfect choice.

Cool slow jam on my bolt player

2006-08-06T10:20:00.000+02:00

Lightning Crashes is one of my favorite slow jams. Always cool to listen to when I'm in a mellow mood. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do. LIVE is an American alternative rock band from York, Pennsylvania, USA, comprised of Ed Kowalczyk (lead vocals & guitar), Chad Taylor (lead guitar), Patrick Dahlheimer (bass) and Chad Gracey (drums). Since approximately 1999, LIVE has toured with Ed's younger brother, Adam Kowalczyk as a rhythm guitarist, and, previously, British keyboardist Michael “Railo” Railton. Characterized by an earnest approach to anthemic rock and a spiritual zen reminiscent of Joshua Tree-era U2, Live climbed from modest Modern Rock success to the mainstream spotlight worldwide on the strength of their 1994 breakthrough album, the 6-million-selling Throwing Copper.

TGIF- Freaky Friday

2006-08-04T07:08:00.000+02:00

We have yet another weekend before us. It looks like we're going to have a nice cool and rainy weekend here. That heat was getting to be a little to much. I'm going to kick back and enjoy my 2 days off. I hope you all have a enjoyable weekend, I know I'm going to try to have one. For all you people in the big heat wave areas. It's going to get up to only about 66 or 67 here. Have a great weekend and try not to sweat too much. ;)

25 Signs You've Grown Up

2006-08-03T07:09:00.000+02:00

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you

Yea it's hump day - so WTF

2006-08-02T06:56:00.000+02:00

Conspiracy Theories and just the plain strange. Here's some lighter news that isn't full of killing, death, and war.

SETI Urged to Fess Up over Alien Signals.

City tries to ban drinkers from standing at the bar.

Colbert Analyzes Wikipedia This link is way cool!

Human mole is banned from £1m home for TUNNELLING

75 OFFICERS FAILED CITY DRUG TESTS

I'm so happy, I could shit!

2006-08-01T06:55:00.000+02:00

I've been trying to change departments where I work for like the last year. Last night my supervisor comes up and asks me if I still wanted to go. Hell yes I said. My prayers have been answered! So now I have a cool new job, and a higher pay grade. Big plus here folks, I don't have to work with the slimy, backstabing, retards from my old department. Now I get to meet new ones! Oh well at least I'm making a little more cash. Now for some fun. get your ass over to Liquid generation and try this Quiz. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

Monday's MILF - Going Goth

2006-07-31T07:02:00.000+02:00

I just love those Goth MILF's! Dark and mysterious. What lies under all that black leather, and make-up. (Nerd wipes his hands on pants) Long black finger nails, all the better to dig in with my dear. Heck our nations first lady is into the Goth scene, and I must say Laura is a hottie. Even if she is married to a pinhead.

Lit Up on my Bolt player

2006-07-30T13:06:00.000+02:00

Buckcherry is a Los Angeles rock 'n' roll band formed in 1995. The band released two albums before dissolving in summer 2002 after lead singer Josh Todd left to pursue a solo career. The band reformed in 2005 with a completely new rhythm section to release their third album, and score their biggest mainstream hit to-date with Crazy Bitch. You can check out Lit-Up on my bolt player.

TGIF - Sometimes You See The Strangest Things

2006-07-28T07:11:00.000+02:00

We've all had those Kodak moments when you say "damm I wish I had my camera". Thankfully some people get lucky, and here's a few. Have a great weekend everyone! Don't forget we have only 149 shopping days till Christmas. So Enjoy the weather while it lasts.

What Men Really Mean

2006-07-27T07:01:00.000+02:00

I love this list because, I have really used all of them! P.S. Thanks for all the well wishes everyone! :)
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Dreaded Stomach Flu

2006-07-26T07:30:00.000+02:00

Either Mrs. Nerd is trying to bump me off for the insurance money or I just ate something bad. A short post today. This is what I feel like.

Sorry all maybe I'll feel a little better tomorrow. Well I'm off to the bathroom once again. I hope I can get some sleep today. Sorry about your tag Trish. Till tomorrow same bat time same bat channel.

WOOT - CFOX Made My Day

2006-07-25T06:50:00.000+02:00

First thing I should say is that German radio sucks. I'm not talking gagging here, no we're talking bazooka barfing sucks. So for about the last 3 years I've been listening to CFOX out of Vancouver Canada, streaming of course. Since I work nights my day starts at 3pm here which is just in time for the Jeff O'Neil morning show(6am Vancouver time). It's Jeff, Captain Scotty, and Charis in all their sick glory. If you read my blog then you know my sense of humour, and these guys always give me a laugh. Well last week Jeff played a parody of the song Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy". Jeff's parody is called "Gravy". I laughed my friggin ass off, these guys are just so sick I love it. Well I fired off my first email to them. I told them pretty much what I've wrote here, German radio bites, they help me start my day, and I live in Germany, blah blah ect. Long and short of it they they read my email on the radio. Which I thought was so cool. They promiss to answer each and every email, I'm a believer now. Well it made my day, and kept a smile on my face all night at work. If you have a favorit program then you know what I'm talking about. I even got an extra Guten Tag from my secret honey Charis WOO HOO! To listen to "Gravy" click here then go down to Media Gallery and click on JEFF'S THERAPIST SAID TO POST THIS. Trust me on this one you'll laugh your ass off. If ever you have the time, do check out their morning show. You'll be hooked just like me. Of course CFOX is now on my links. The FOX ROCKS!

Monday's MILF - Trailer Park Ho's

2006-07-24T06:53:00.000+02:00

I never used to like Brit. Until she showed her true colors. She's a Ho! A big plus is that now she really is a MILF. I don't know, but there's something about those trashy Ho's that gets the blood pumping. Now Brit be lookin good, you got to give her that. Unfortunenately there are some, well maybe a lot of monsters from the trailer park out there. You've probably seen them trying to sell their food stamps at the local market. When they smile their teeth look like they've been chewing on rocks. Stretch marks in all the wrong places. Then you have the heavy hitters. They're so big they drip cellulite all over the place, not a pretty scene. You know more chins than a Hong Kong phone book. These are the ones us SOBER guys leave alone. Now back to Brit, she's a whole different story if you know what I mean. Brit does prove one theory. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California

2006-07-23T09:49:00.000+02:00

One of the few groups I never get tired of hearing is Red Hot Chili Peppers. They have so many good songs that I found it difficult to choose. So I went with “Dani California”. We are living in one of the greatest ages of rock. Isn’t it great? The Red Hot Chili Peppers are a California-based rock band, formed in Los Angeles in 1983. Even though they have experienced numerous line-up changes and personal problems, the band has successfully created a sound that combines elements of funk, punk, rap, pop rock, psychedelic rock and heavy metal. The Red Hot Chili Peppers have maintained commercial and critical success since their breakthrough full-length Blood Sugar Sex Magik was released in 1991. Since 1984, they have produced nine studio albums which have sold nearly 50 million copies worldwide. They also hold the records for most #1 modern rock hits with nine, and most weeks spent atop that chart, with over 70.

TGIF - Random Eye Candy Today

2006-07-21T07:50:00.000+02:00

Before you move on to my sick sense of humour, I just wanted to mention something first. When I got home from work today, and booted up my computer the first thing I saw was this story on Yahoo "Doggie hotel opens -- 23 dollars a night, television optional." You can click the link to read it. I found this story ironic, because with so many HUMAN BEINGS HOMELESS in this world. That there are still some people left that care about weather dogs have a nice and comfortable nights sleep, and screw the poor dirty humans!?!? With so many civilizations that have lived on this planet. Do you think it was always like this when the end was near?

New State Slogans

2006-07-20T06:54:00.000+02:00

Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I Speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Afraid!!!!!!!!!!

This mad, mad, world we live in

2006-07-19T07:00:00.000+02:00

It's always been said that fact is stranger than fiction. I not only believe that, but I think this old planet is a pretty sick and twisted place. Time to review some more human sickness.

Ken Lay's last fuck you everyone!

Stupid greedy fucker gets punished. It's moments like these that help me believe there is a God.

How not to get rich.

Your having a party and you didn't invite me?

So your looking to make some quick cash.

I'm not hungry anymore.

Hey when your hungry, and you just gotta eat.

Dump List

2006-07-18T10:57:00.000+02:00

The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your ass feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''Shit Happens'' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”
The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor.
The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?
The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.

Happy Birthday to me

2006-07-16T09:18:00.000+02:00

OH NO not another year already! Well since it's my birthday you can hear my request on my bolt player. Cypress Hill is a Latin-American hip-hop group from South Gate, California. It was founded in 1988 and has sold up to 17 million records worldwide by 2006. The group consists of DJ Muggs (Lawrence Muggerud, DJ and producer, January 28, 1968), B-Real (Louis Freese, Rapper, June 2, 1970), Sen Dog (Senen Reyes, Rapper, November 20, 1965) and Bobo (Eric Correa, Percussionist, August 27, 1968 [became a member in 1994]). One aspect of their popularity is their commitment to the legalization of cannabis consumption.

TGIF - The wisdom of beer, here's the rest of them

2006-07-14T08:59:00.000+02:00

Since I posted a couple last week. I thought I'd post the rest. As one our founding fathers Benjamin Franklin once said "Beer is proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy." Ain't nothing wrong wit dat. Have a Happy Weekend everyone.

You Know You're Too Stressed If

2006-07-13T09:23:00.000+02:00

Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin chasing you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
You wonder if brewingis really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
You can hear mimes.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
Things become "Very Clear."
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"
You and Reality file for divorce.
You can skip without a rope.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
You can travel without moving.
Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Yes liquid generation is still around

2006-07-12T06:39:00.000+02:00

If you've never been to the Liquid Generation website then you don't know what your missing! They're sick as hell and you can easily spend an hour or two here laughing your ass off. I myself haven't been there in awhile. They have a bunch of new quizzies, cartoons, shorts movies, and ect. I was there this morning, and tried a few of the new quizzes. Let's see what you come up with.

Get Your Drunk Personality at LiquidGeneration.com!

Which Internet Celebrity Are You? LiquidGeneration.com!

Applying for a Job at the CIA

2006-07-11T07:59:00.000+02:00

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Monday's MILF - Chicks that know what they want

2006-07-10T08:47:00.000+02:00

I just love it when MILF's are out in the open about what they want. It's too bad us men can't be that way. Ladies we are DOGS, we are low down liars, and we'll cheat and steal for one thing. We are not to be trusted! Of course if us he men are kept happy. Well then it's like having a leashed puppy. God forbid if we do something wrong. Do women have a guild or something? If you do something wrong with one. The next 20 know, and your black balled. No sexual pune ment there. Some of us are loyal. I think they call it a family, but our eyes still stray. Usually a quick sharp slap to the head helps us he men back to reality. I personally think the the ladies have like a secret organization. Hand signals and code words the whole scheme so that they can trade ideas about keeping us tame. Guys have you ever walked up to a group of women. Your wife is there. As you walk up they all laugh. Then you ask what's so funny? You'll always get the same answer "oh nothing". ARRRGGGHHH What are they talking about! What are they ploting? Could it be that we wern't ment to know? Well I rest my case.

Click on my Bolt player for the good stuff

2006-07-09T11:23:00.000+02:00

Marilyn Manson is an industrial metal and alternative metal band based in Los Angeles, California. Frequently termed "shock rock", the group's sound contains influences from heavy metal, industrial rock, and glam. As a whole, Marilyn Manson is highly difficult to categorize as each album has a distinct and individual image and sound. Formed in 1989 in Fort Lauderdale, Florida as Marilyn Manson & the Spooky Kids, the band's uniquely theatrical performances gathered a local cult following that has, over seventeen years, developed into a worldwide fanbase. Marilyn Manson's reputation has likewise grown, with the band now considered one of modern music's most widely-known and most controversial; this has been due, in large part, to eponymous lead singer Marilyn Manson — born Brian Warner — and his frequent clashes with religious and political figures. The name of each band member was originally created by combining the first name of a female pop culture icon and the last name of a mass murderer or a serial killer. The members of the band dress in outlandish makeup and costumes, and have engaged in intentionally shocking behavior both onstage and off. Their lyrics often receive criticism for their anti-religious sentiment and with references to sex, drugs, and violence — Marilyn Manson's music and performances have frequently been called offensive and obscene, and, more than a few times, protests and petitions have led to the group's being banned from performing

Bono gets some answers

2006-07-08T17:59:00.000+02:00

Yahoo! Answers - What can we do to make poverty history? Thankfully there are some people out there who use their head to think!

Answering my sisters tag

2006-07-08T07:47:00.000+02:00

The book nearest me - The Shadow Rising by Robert Jordan
Stretch out left arm what do you touch? - My book shelf, they're never far from my reach.
Last thing watched on television? - South Park, it's just too sick, and too cool.
Without looking what time is it? - 7:15am
What actual time is it? - 7:53am
With the exception of the computer what can you hear? - My 2 sons playing X-Box, and talking shit to each other as usual. LOL
When did you last step outside? - About 80 minutes ago when I got home from work.
Before this survey what did you look at? - Porn. Seriously just checking up on latest news.
What are you wearing? - T-Shirt, shorts, and everything the almighty blessed me with.
Did you dream last night? - No, I work nights. I dream in the day, and she was hot.
When did you last laugh? - About 15 minutes ago.
What is on the walls in the room? - Besides paint? The New York state flag, my military citations, and the Iraqi flag I took off a armored personal carrier I shot with the 120mm cannon from my M1A1 tank.
Seen anything weird lately? - Yes as a matter of fact I did. It rained here yesterday in the afternoon. When I went outside, I saw a whole company of slugs trying to cross my lawn. I hate slugs. So I introduced them to Mr.Salt.
What do you think of this quiz? - If I didn't have to do all this typing it would be OK.
What is the last film you saw? - Serenity, I can't watch that enough.
Tell me something we don't know - I hate bugs! Anything with more than 4 legs gives me the creeps.
If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do? - Bring down the super rich. Everyone should be able to have a half way decent life. There's no reason that 5% of the world population should control 90% of the worlds wealth.
Do you like to dance? - No!!! I hate making myself look like a retard.
George Bush? - Is he REALLY the best America can do? See what money and power can do for a retarded loser.
Imagine your first child is a girl - I don't have to imagine that.
Imagine your first child is a boy - I don't think it slows the graying process. Still I love all of them with all my heart.
Would you consider living abroad? - Yes, and I do. With 7 weeks paid vacation, paid sick days, 13 paid holidays, plus my free time. Yea I think I can live with that.
What would God say to you when you reach the pearly gates? - Dude you aren't serious are you?
6 people who will do this quiz - I wish this curse on Sugar because she's got the gift of gab, R because she's just too cool, KristynMarie because she's so interesting, Burfica because she's so down to earth, Speckledpup because she has no problem in letting you know when your quarter is up, and Cheeky because I like the way she writes.

TGIF - Timeless sick humor

2006-07-07T08:15:00.000+02:00

Since my **st birthday is coming up here in about oh 9 days, I thought I'd go a little nostalgic today. For Greg and Sugar they've seen these on my old blog. Hell Greg hooked me up with a few of these, but for the rest of you. I hope you at least get a kick out of them. I know I did and still do. To all you rednecks and trailer trash out there don't eat so many mayonnaise sandwiches, and don't be french kissing your sister or brother. Have a great weekend Y'all.

You know you're trailer trash when

2006-07-06T07:40:00.000+02:00

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Sometimes a weekend can be too long

2006-07-05T18:07:00.000+02:00

Well the weekend is over. The Germans got booted by the Italians in the World Cup 2-0 in a real nail bitter. As the saying goes shit happens, or my favorit ain't no dick harder than life. As I sit here to write this, I'm still feeling this past weekend. I find it hard to write the word beer, I think if tried to drink one I'd blow chunks. No beer for me, for awhile anyway. Well back to blogging. I hope everyone had a great weekend.
I know I did. Maybe I had a little to much fun. A good thing my work week starts tonight so working a 3 day week is always cool. Especially when you feel as bad as I do.

Sorry this weeks MILF has been Interrupted

2006-07-03T05:48:00.000+02:00

This is like a once in a lifetime weekend here. Partying with fellow expat Americans, (not that we don't get together to party a couple times every year, just ask the expat how rough those weekends are for him) and the whole party atmosphere here in Germany because of the World Cup. It's been a summer dream here. The weather has been great, I've spent time with very much missed family, and rediscovered how much I like blogging. Plus you have a whole nation in the party mood. Things will probably be back to normal here by Wednesday as far as my blog goes anyway. Well I'm going to continue to enjoy my weekend. I wish the best for you all and hope you have as much fun as I'm having. Have an awesome 4th of July people, and cross your fingers for the German team!

There's a party going on in Germany and the rest of the world is invited

2006-07-01T07:13:00.000+02:00

Being an American I never really heard about the World Cup or soccer till I came to Germany. The world Cup is played every 4 years. On this little planet we call earth there are 192 nations. It takes 2 years for the qualifications, and then the best 32 teams come together to duke it out. What is the World Cup like outside the USA? Think of the Super Bowl or the World Series, but it's not limited to just one city. It's a whole nation. From the smallest village to the biggest city it's just one big fucking party. The Germans are hosting it, and they're kicking ass so far, but still you have fans from across the globe comming together to share the moment. Of course there are some assholes, but thankfully not many. It's 4 weeks of partying in summer, and a whole nation can stand with their team. Seeing so many people come together to have a good time. It gives me hope for the human race. I suck at writing so I'll give you a few impressions of what this great time is like. If the Germans win it all, a whole nation will be party town. Everyone everywhere having a party, and just letting it all hang out. :)

TGIF - The dangers of overindulgence

2006-06-30T06:55:00.000+02:00

It's been a long friggin week my friends. The bitch of it is I still have one more night to do, before I get a little deserved rest. Still it's TGIF for most of us, and if your feeling like I do after a long week. Your going to get your head right, tie one on, get 3 sheets to the wind, or get lit. What ever you call it, alcohol is usally involved. Now there ain't nothing wrong with knocking back some suds, chilling with the gang, and having a good time. Now there comes a point when you should know when enough is enough. Some people with total disregard for the consequences let it all hang out. This is not a good idea. So please for your own sake remember to think before it's too late. If you don't mind crying the next day, or maybe for years after. You need not heed my warning, but before you blow me off. Scroll down and look at the perils you face.